


my dear melancholy,

by orphan_account



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Character Death, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:41:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25640764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It will never be fair.(Or, a plane crash and its aftermath.)
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Comments: 5
Kudos: 96





	my dear melancholy,

**Author's Note:**

> title is from the ep by the weeknd :)

Aaron knew the odds. One in 11 million. He knew the statistics. 1.4%.

So that's why, when he gets a phone call at one - or maybe it's two - in the morning, he answers it and thinks nothing of it; Spencer always called after his flights landed.

He rolls over, grabs his phone, doesn't look at the caller ID. It's quiet, just him and the muffled sounds of the city below to keep him company. He smiles. "Hey, sweetheart. How was your flight?"

There's a brief pause, and then -

"Is this Aaron Hotchner?"

"Yes," He says, "Who is this?"

He sits there and says nothing. Listens. His hands begin to shake then, because there is a police officer on the phone, and _there's been a terrible accident, and -_

"No, no, I think—" Aaron interrupts. His voice breaks. "I think you've got the wrong person, you've got it wrong, this can't be happening, are you sure—?"

He thinks he can hear an _I'm sorry, sir_ coming from the other end. And then he is screaming, alone in his room with only the city to keep him company, to comfort him, until his throat is sore. He takes his phone and throws it weakly at the wall. It hits the carpeted floor with a soft thud, the screen still lit up and glowing.

His bedroom door is pushed open. Slowly, tentatively almost.

Jack is standing outside and peeking in from around the corner, and his hair is a mess, Captain America pajamas slightly wrinkled.

"Are you okay, daddy?" He asks, studying him with wide eyes; innocent, concerned. Aaron doesn't know how he is supposed to ever answer that.

"I..." He pauses. "Yeah, buddy. I'm okay. Why don't you sleep in here with me tonight, hm?"

He pats the other side of his bed and bites back another sob.

"Okay!" Jack smiles, leaps under the covers and rests his head on a pillowcase that smells like Spencer's shampoo; "When's Spencer gonna be back from his trip?"  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


JJ cries and cries into Emily's shoulder; Emily holds her close. Penelope runs out of the conference room and doesn't bother coming back for the rest of the day (or week. Aaron can't blame her). Morgan puts a hole right through the wall.

(Six weeks will pass before they get it fixed.)

Dave shuts himself in his office. Locks the door behind him.

So does Aaron, because it's all he _can_ do. He stares at a framed photograph of him and Spencer and sees what could've been. What, now, will never be. He eventually has to tuck it away inside a drawer. 

Occasionally he'll sneak a glance through his window over to Spencer's desk, and he'll try not to break down but he always does. Everything remains exactly how it was left before, untouched because no one could ever find it in them to clean it out. How could they? It feels like a sin.

They'll hire someone new eventually, because they'll have to, and life will inevitably go on but it will never feel the same.  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


The casket— _Spencer's casket_ —is closed.

Aaron is standing underneath the hot Las Vegas sun, the dry heat stifling even in late September, and he's utterly miserable in his heavy suit. There is a seat reserved for him in the second row, and one for Jack, too.

(Except he hadn't been able to tell Jack the truth yet so he lied, took an easy out and said he had a case, and Jack stayed behind. Aaron stares at the empty seat beside him, the one that's supposed to be for Jack, and feels incredibly guilty.

He doesn't know when he'll be able to tell Jack the truth, he realizes. Doesn't know when - or _if_ \- it'll ever get any easier to say out loud.)

Dave, Prentiss, JJ, Morgan, and Penelope fill up the rest of the row. Dave places a comforting hand on Aaron's shoulder, offers him a sad smile. Aaron opens his mouth to speak but cannot get any words out - What is there, really, to say?

The sun disappears behind a slab of cool, marbled grey clouds, and the service begins. Aaron clenches his jaw as tight as he can, presses his lips together, bites the inside of his cheek.

Diana gives a teary eulogy, lamenting the tragic loss of her only son; and Aaron knows that for as long as he lives, he will never be able to forget the look of pure _agony_ on her face. It isn't fair. 

By the end he can barely keep it together. His jaw aches, the taste of blood is rusty in his mouth. He was asked if he would say something, too, and remembers how he hadn't been able to say yes.

The clouds part in the sky, allowing the soft rays of the sun to filter through. He looks up; wonders if that's Spencer's doing. He likes to think that it is.

His lower lip suddenly starts to tremble.  
  
  


Aaron has always done everything he could to protect Spencer, to make sure Spencer was safe. And to lose him in such a cruel way—one he never saw coming, couldn't protect him from, isn't fair.

He swallows the lump in his throat.

It will never be fair.

**Author's Note:**

> short n not so sweet............. just how i like it >:)
> 
> please leave a comment and/or kudos if u enjoyed!


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